Friday, December 21, 2007

naked people for christmas

I posted a little while ago about the fact that certain months at BCF seem to be connected to certain events. It was about the time of the September Shindig. December is obviously the month set aside for the office Christmas Party.

There are so many rules about office Christmas parties. I have narrowed my rules down to three, which cover all circumstances that might arise during a work Christmas Party: say no, only have two drinks and don't take your clothes off.

Our Christmas Party was a fairly standard BCF do. I'm not going to say where it was or what type of event it was for fear of being 'outed' but there were some quite 'interesting' entertainment choices which will no doubt point you in my direction anyway.

There were models (male and female) in swimwear and the 'game' we all got to play was 'paint a slogan on the almost naked person'. You can imagine that Peters, Jones and Ben along with all the ABC macho cronies had a brilliant time (in fact I got the feeling this was an ABC firm tradition we have inherited as a result of the merger). They came up with incredibly witty slogans like 'you're hot' to paint on the the lower back of the girls, just above the bikini bottoms and even more clever was the arrows they drew pointing down the front of the bikini bottoms. It was like they had discovered for the first time that girls have a bum, a vagina and breasts and just to make sure they didn't forget where each part was they marked it with paint for later reference when, as they hoped out loud to anyone who could hear, they would 'land that babe in the blue bikini tonight'.

The male models in swimmers were also body painted but it was a fairly simple affair with either block colours and even the occasional attempt at an 'artistic' vine with flowers growing down an arm. No lewd comments though.

Why is it that BCFs generate this sort of culture? Surely in Australia in this day and age there is no need to bring naked people and throw them into the middle of an arena to entertain people?

But then again, maybe there is. I suspect that next year they will just take us all to a brothel and provide a big tab, much less offensive.

Sunday, December 16, 2007


The hairdresser was gold. I couldn't have hoped for a better witness. She was a crystal clean character with an extensive list of volunteering commitments for charitable organisations and she wooed the Magistrate beautifully. Thanks to her incredible courage (now that I've met VGM's wife I understand why the hairdresser hid in the storeroom and needed to be reassured that VGM's wife would not be in court when we gave evidence) we managed to knock over the intervention order application.

VGM is delighted. So is Peters. Peters took us all out for lunch after the hearing and bought some nice vintage champagne to celebrate (not Vue de Monde but pretty good anyway). Ben and Peters were both very impressed with my work on this case and things are looking good for 2008. Peters even made a point of telling me I'm "not too bad for a skirt". There's hope yet.

In other news,Uncle came back to work full time today. Which is convenient given there's only a week or so before Chrstmas! I guess it's best to gently ease back into things after major surgery. Ben has been managing most of his work while he's been in hospital and Ben did mention to me one night over the caterer's Moroccan Lamb with cous cous (still my favourite) that he was terrified of the day Uncle returned becase it would halve his practice and therefore the client income that was falling under his name. If things get really bad for Ben's client income budget they might knock him back down to Senior Associate (he's still in the 3 month probationary period during which new Partners have to prove that their appointment is financially viable). Wouldn't that be delicious.

But I must admit I have softened my feelings about Ben a bit since this VGM case. He has shown some incrdedible insight about women as victims of crime (even though in this case VMG's wife seems to be the victim not the perpetrator); and of course he keeps coming out with better and better ties every day. I don't know where he gets them from but men everywhere should learn from him. He has tie-wearing down to a finely tuned art that's worthy of a gold medal from the Royal Melburne Show 'tie' division.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007


'Intervention' is an interesting word. When I hear it, I immediately think of drug addicted crazies whose family have staged an 'intervention' in an effort to get them to stop drinking/shooting up/stealing things/take better care of themselves.

'intervene' is defined in the online Macquarie dictionary as:
verb (i) (intervened, intervening)
1. to come between in action; intercede: to intervene in a dispute.
2. to come or be between, as in place, time, or a series.
3. to fall or happen between other events or periods: nothing interesting has intervened.
4. (of things) to occur incidentally so as to modify a result.
5. to come in, as something not belonging.
6. Law to interpose and become a party to a suit pending between other parties. [Latin intervenīre come between]

I suppose then, that an 'intervention' order is designed to 'come between' two parties in a dispute in order to settle it or at the least create some boundaries.

From the snooping I have done so far it seems VGM's wife needs some serious boundaries established.

She is a classic conservative housewife who got bored, started doing drugs and is now causing chaos for everyone around her, including the two miniature poodles she has had topiaried within an inch of their lives. Receipts show that she has them washed, trimmed and dried (even sometimes dyed) once a week at a Greville St salon.

She spends a normal day avoiding food, working out at an exclusive women only gym and receiving various beauty treatments. She keeps her stamina up with a few grams of coke.

Tough life. Until the coke starts to send you a bit psycho and the trainer who used to be your best friend is scared of you, you assault the nail technician with the hot glue gun and tell your dealer to 'f*ck off' because you are 'bigger in this town than he'll ever be'.

I have a few witnesses to call at the final intervention order hearing to tomorrow. My personal favourite is the hairdresser who tends the poodles each week. She is so terrified of VGM's wife that she hides in the store room until VGM's wife has dropped off the dogs and left the salon, then spends three hours on each dog making them perfect before VGM's wife returns to collect them (and the hairdresser is always safely back in the storeroom by the time she arrives). I had to promise the hairdresser that VGM's wife would not be in the court room when she was called to give evidence.

I very much hope that the law 'comes between' VGM and his wife tomorrow in a way that makes me look good.